


Insecurities

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-16
Updated: 2007-03-16
Packaged: 2019-01-19 06:45:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Even the smallest rocks make ripples. >> A study of how insecurities influence a person's actions.





	Insecurities

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

This is my first story posted on UR, and the first story that I’ve put a lot of thought into. Or at least, I’ve put more thought into this story than I have in any of my other stories. So anyways…please review, and I welcome any constructive criticism (seriously—tell me honestly if my characterizations are too cliché, or whatever. If you’re brutal I’ll cry for a second, get over myself, and improve). I sort of just cranked this out and haven’t been too critical on myself, so anything you can say will help. Thanks! (Also, as of now, this is not a one-shot.) 

**Disclaimer:** I work with what is not mine. 

**Insecurities Chapter 1: Lily Evans**

Lily Evans was Muggle-born. 

As Muggles go, the Evans family was very ordinary. The four Evanses—Rupert Evans, his wife Marie, and their two daughters, Lily and Petunia—lived in a relatively normal- sized house. It was three stories high, had a sizeable backyard with a small gazebo and swing, and the front yard was mostly taken up by a big tree. 

As young girls, the two Evans sisters were verily inseparable. Most of the other children on their block were boys, and at that age, boys and girls were essentially different species. So, the two girls spent nearly every afternoon together, playing and imagining. In autumn, Lily and Petunia would rake the hundreds and hundreds of brilliantly coloured leaves that the tree dropped into a big pile. As Petunia looked on, Lily would press herself up against the white picket fence and fling herself onto the red, orange, and gold mountain, rolling around and getting her curly red hair full of leaves and twigs. After she was finished, Petunia would laughingly pull her out and help her brush off, but her sister never actually joined her in jumping onto the pile of leaves. 

In the winter, the two sisters would build snowmen, occasionally leaving the rolling of the snowman to take up small snowballs to through at each other. After hours of playing in the cold, Lily and Petunia would troop inside with red noses and numbed hands to accept the cups of cocoa and plates of warm, freshly-baked sugar cookies from their mother, and would sit before the roaring fire their father had built making plans for a snow fort, to be built after they thawed out and finished their snack. 

The springtime was spent gardening: the two girls would get down on their hands and knees alongside their mother to replant the garden that had been devastated during the winter cold. These were the times Lily and Petunia would plan their futures. They promised each other that the other would be her Maid of Honor, and that their children would always be the best of friends. During these moments, sitting next to her mother and her sister, Lily had a lucid picture of her future. She felt as though she would always, if nothing else, have her sister and the plans they had made together when they were younger. 

Summers were a favorite in the Evans household. Every year, they would pack their belongings into suitcases, pack a lunch of soda pop and sandwiches, and stuff everything into the trunk of the family’s Ford Cortina for a month-long holiday to the seaside. Her father would close down his medical practice, and her mother, being a schoolteacher, had the summer months free. Lily and Petunia would spend their time putting their toes into the water and then shrieking. Occasionally, Lily braved herself up enough to dive in completely, but her sister was never able to muster up the courage to do so. 

**\-----**

And so Lily passed much of her childhood; as a Muggle, and as a sister. Then one day as the Evanses were enjoying their breakfast, they were interrupted by a tapping noise. All four heads shot up, and Lily was surprised to see a tawny owl rapping with one of its talons at the breakfast-room window. Disregarding her father’s warning words and her sister’s yelp of fear, Lily leapt over to the window and undid the clasp. The owl flew in, alighted on the back of her now-unoccupied chair, and held out one of its legs. 

Lily stared at the envelope attached to the owl’s claw. In green ink, the envelope stated her name, her address, and the location of her room in the house. There was something strange about the envelope; it wasn’t quite paper—the consistency reminded her more of the Egyptian papyrus paper she had learned about in school. Hesitantly, she reached out her hand and when the owl did not immediately attack her fingers, she reached out both hands to untie the letter. 

As soon as the owl was sure Lily had full possession of the letter, it spread its wings and took flight again, soaring out of the window, which Lily had left open. She just stood there, staring at the letter in her palm. 

“Lily, darling?” her mother asked. “Is that for you?” 

Lily nodded absently, but didn’t move. She was trying to figure out who could have possibly known where her room was and sent her this letter, for in the corner of the envelope was a small crest: an H surrounded by a badger, an eagle, a snake, and a lion. “Are you going to open it, Lils?” her father asked. Lily nodded again, but still didn’t move. 

Petunia let out a frustrated grunt and got out of her chair, walking over to her sister. When Lily didn’t react, Petunia grabbed the letter and slid her finger under the flap to open it. Two sheets of parchment fell out (Petunia, being older than Lily, was able to place the mysterious paper for what it was), and she unfolded them and began reading aloud. 

“Dear Miss Evans. We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to the Hogwarts School of Witch…witchcraft and W-wiz-wizardry,” she read. Her voice trailed off toward the end of the sentence and she paused before bursting out into laughter. 

“That…that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen! What a brilliant prank! I thought at first that it was real, but magic…it doesn’t even exist!” And she burst out into a fresh peal of giggles. 

And that was Petunia’s first reaction to Lily’s new-found talent. She didn’t believe it. She was the only one; Mr and Mrs Evans had “always known their darling Lily was special,” and Lily, being the recipient of the letter, found it a plausible explanation for the strange things that sometimes happened around her. 

When the Evans family, despite Petunia’s protests, went in search of Diagon Alley to purchase Lily’s school supplies, the relationship between the two sisters was splintered forever. Petunia saw all of the magical items around her, and saw that her sister was going to have a life different from what the two of them had always imagined. They would no longer be able to spend all of their time together, and Petunia would no longer be included in all the things Lily was going to do. 

When she saw her sister talking with a small, mousy-haired boy in some bookstore, Petunia knew that she had lost her sister forever to this world, this other world where she could not follow. 

And so she reacted in the only way she thought she could to save herself. 

When the family got home that evening after a long day of shopping (Lily’s magical possessions now extended beyond those listed in the letter her school had sent her), Petunia immediately ran up the stairs and into her room, slamming the door behind her. Lily followed, bags in tow, and knocked on the door. 

“Petunia?” she asked. Petunia had never really been fond of nicknames; she said “Tunia” made her feel like a cross between seafood and a jukebox, “Pet” made her feel like an animal, and “Petty” made her feel trivial. When there was no answer, Lily spoke again. “Petunia? Can I come in? I want to show you all of the brilliant stuff Mum and Daddy bought me!” 

In response, Petunia stomped over to the door, opened it a crack, and hissed: 

“Leave me be, freak. I don’t care about your stupid books, or your little magic stick, or even a hat you can pull bunnies out of. You’re never going to amount to anything, because you’re just a stupid, immature, ugly little brat. Now get away before any of your abnormality rubs off on me.” Ignoring the stab of guilt that coursed through her after seeing Lily’s devastated look, Petunia slammed the door on her relationship with her sister. 

Petunia never knew how deeply Lily was affected by that comment, and by the many similar ones that followed. She had always depended on the judgment of her older sister, and it hurt her that Petunia could not share in her happiness. But she knew that magic was something she could not turn her back on, and so she made her choice. 

In spite of the fact that she is determined to be a witch, Lily is insecure. 

She finds the first empty compartment on the Hogwarts Express and sits down by herself. She wants to go back home, to forget about all of this, and be welcomed by her sister. Instead, she sits there, thinking and believing that she does not belong. 

**\-----**

Her friends tell her for the thousandth time that she is not ugly, that she is the smartest witch in their year, and that yes, of course she will be able to graduate. Lily sometimes thinks that she is lucky that the girls in her dormitory have accepted her, have let her share in their secrets, because she is not a worthy friend. She is abnormal. She is a Muggle.

Other people don’t know about Lily’s insecurities. They see her as a confident, beautiful, intelligent witch, but then, they don’t really know her. They view her carefully crafted exterior while much of the time, Lily is stressed, depressed, and feeling insecure. Some of the boys call her the “Ice Queen Bitch” because she, so far as they know, has never had a truly lasting relationship. What they don’t know is that Lily breaks up with these boys after only a few short weeks because they who they think they are going out with is not who she truly is. She is looking for someone with whom she can be truly honest. 

**\-----**

Her insecurities are the reasons Lily finally says yes to James Potter. 

He picks her out in first year, when he stands behind her in the sorting line and tries to strike up a conversation with her. She, elated from the train ride, during which she was joined by other girls her age and realized that she will have a place in this school, responded in kind, speaking up enthusiastically. They continue their conversation at the Gryffindor table after they are sorted into the same house, ignoring their respective friends. 

The next day before their first class at Hogwarts, Lily is already seated. Her two friends, Zahra and Olivia, are seated at the desk in front of her, but Lily doesn’t mind. She hears voices at the door and turns around to see James three other boys. She waves at him and gestures at the empty seat, inviting him to sit there, and James looks as though he is about to walk over when the black-haired boy next to him nudges him and points to two empty tables in the corner. He says something to the boys and they all laugh and walk over to where he was pointing. Lily is surprised and hurt, and barely acknowledges the person who comes to sit next to her at first. Later, she becomes friends with this girl, a friendly Ravenclaw named Lucy. 

Lily and James do not speak much for the next few years. It is not until their fourth year, when Lily comes back to school after puberty had taken its toll on her, wearing her skirts a couple of inches shorter at her friends’ urging, that James notices her again. In fact, many other boys notice her, as well. Lily begins to receive a steady stream of date invitations, many of them from James. 

She finds his attentions flattering, but insincere. Over and over again, she refuses his advances, calling him an “arrogant, bullying toe-rag,” amongst other insults. But still he presses on, and hardly a day goes by when he doesn’t compliment her in some way. On some level, his perseverance boosts Lily’s self-esteem, but she is still looking for him, or someone else, to prove to her that she really is beautiful and intelligent. 

**\-----**

In their seventh year, when James finally deflates his head and Lily doesn’t see him hexing Snape in the corridors for no good reason or abusing his Head Boy badge, yet he continues his stream of compliments, Lily finally begins to believe that he is sincere. It takes a final encounter for James to convince her of that. 

One day, she is walking down the stairs to the Gryffindor common room in her most tattered pair of jeans, her oldest pair of sneakers, a shirt that she had stolen from her father the last time she had been home, and with hair that hadn’t been brushed all day, and she spies James Potter across the room, absorbed in a game of chess with Remus. He looks up when he hears her footsteps, and his eyes meet hers. He smiles, says something to Remus, and walks over to her. 

“Hey, Lily,” he says. “How are you?” 

“Fine, thanks James. Just a bit tired, I suppose. I’ve been up in my bed doing work all day, so I feel it now. And look it, too.” 

“What are you talking about, Lily? You look just as beautiful as always,” James replies. When he doesn’t follow this comment with any smirk or invitation for a date, Lily realizes that he said it in earnest. So she reevaluates her opinion of him. 

“So what’re you up to now? I was just about to go down to the kitchens, myself,” he asks. 

Lily smiles, knowing that he just made this up. Nonetheless, she says, “Sure, James. I’m starved.” 

The grin that lights up his face is beautiful to see. He shouts, “Moony! I’m off with the lovely Miss Evans! Have to finish the game later, sorry mate!” across the room and offers his arm to Lily. She glances over his shoulder to flash Remus an apologetic smile, but he waves it off. He knows that some things in life are more important than chess games. 

Later, Lily asks James how he knew what to say. He tells her that it took him a while, but he finally realized that she was looking for someone who could see what she really wanted, who she really was; not someone who only saw the perfect Lily. He explains to her that he wanted to, once and for all, disprove her insecurities. 


End file.
